Do you have Sober-Sex?


I have been asked many strange and wonderful questions in my life. I am always surprised and energised when I am asked a question about myself that I either do not understand or can not answer.  “Do you have sober sex?”  This was one of those questions.

When the question was flung at me across a coffee table in a house I had never been in before, in front of 10 women that I did not know, I realised that honesty was my only savior. It takes a lot to make me shy away from a sex or female related question.

My response was slow,  I had never heard this term used before and so did not fully understand its meaning, or worse, I understood it but hoped that my understanding was wrong. “What do you mean, sober-sex?” The reply was as I had feared. She meant, did I have sex without any form of substance in my system. She asked me this as if sober-sex were a thing of the past and I clearly was out of date.

I looked around the table, women were reading magazines, not reading but swiping through them, using the images to either celebrate or chastise themselves. Some of the women looked up,  a raised eyebrow allowed me to see that I was  not the only one confused.

I spoke loud and clear, without faltering. “Yes, I have sober-sex and sometimes intoxicated sex”. The pregnant pause that followed my answer was heavy. Then came a devastating string of words. “I can’t have sober sex, it’s boring. My vagina only gets wet when I’m high.” She looked back down at her magazine as if her words were as light as air.  I was silent for a while, almost winded actually.

As someone who loves vagina and sex and all things sex-positive I realised that I was the only person in the room who was willing, brave enough and maybe even able, to shine some alternative light on the situation.

The women in conversation with me continued. She explained that when she was high she was waterfalls and gasping for life and that when she was sober she felt almost nothing. I wanted to share some of my experiences with her, but I could see that it wasn’t knowledge she wanted, it was an audience. So instead I told her about OMGyes. A women’s sex website that is blowing the minds of both me and my male partner.

I dropped my knowledge on the table in the hope that someone might put it in their pocket. I don’t know if any of the women did, but maybe I planted a seed. I think it can become unhealthy to rely on anything other than yourself to be turned on or to get turned on.

My male partner and I subscribed to OMGyes about a month ago. I had been researching it and had put some money aside to pay for it. We sat transfixed while women of all different shapes, sizes, backgrounds, colours and culture discussed their preferred methods of stimulation and masturbation.

It was easily the most beautiful, most interesting and most interactive education that I  have ever had. Made for women, by women, it encourages women to learn that a man is not the key to your pleasure and empowers anyone who wishes to pleasure a woman, to learn how to do so without penetration being the go-to as a fail-safe. It actually has absolutely nothing to do with men.

Back to sober-sex, yes, substances can be fun, it’s a totally different experience (I do not advocate for drug use though, but ya, try a few things, you only live once right?). I come from a place of thinking that supports the idea of a woman to knowing her own body. Knowing your own body empowers you to share your knowledge with others who might also want to know your body.  Being able to show or tell someone what you want is one of the most empowering and sexiest forms of pleasure.

If you are someone who likes sex alone or with others, find OMGyes pay the fee and subscribe to hours of intimate exploration of yourself, your vagina and your mind. I am having the time of my life.

Image: Diana,


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