I’m not the type of person to make resolutions.
1. I noticed that I was making them at a time when I was either inebriated or way too excited and distracted. Either way, I was not remembering them.
2. I was making challenges that often were unrealistic and based on some other ‘magazine-make-up-drenched’ human who was nothing like me in any way.
I have learned to set myself small, intrinsic goals that reward me in ways that shine extrinsically. 2016 was the beginning of my true self-representation.
Starting my journey of TRUE self-representation has been wonderful. It is nowhere near achieved. It will be a life long self-assessment and process of self-acknowledgment and self-love. I am in no hurry and have not felt the need to celebrate what I have achieved so far. The celebration is happening with or without me. It is a wonderful new type of honesty.
I have lost friends on my journey, people have moved away from my new honesty. I have slowly built up my heart again by finding new friends, reconnecting with long lost friends and creating an accepting, encouraging, welcoming community around me.
I have opened myself up to accommodate others who in themselves are on a journey similar to mine. Those who have been learning to open shut thoughts, grow forgotten dreams, be more colourful, more true. More them, more me, more you.
The journey has been exhausting. I have never slept so hard in my life. Every waking moment birthed a new question that I needed or yearned the answer to. Sometimes months would go by without answers. This journey brought me anger. So much anger and pain and fear. I have learned how to and am still learning how to, harness my anger, ride it like a wave, a wild horse, a wounded dragon.
I am learning to allow people to walk away from me, fear me, be disappointed in me. I still cry but it does not and will not destroy me. I am recognising why I can not apologise for who I am, who I want to be and how I have chosen to get there. I can not apologise for who I am .
This year has taught me to find freedom inside. In the dark, warm space where heart meets chest and breast meets flesh and bone. My freedom is in me. I have not found it yet, but I hear it, feel it, taste it growing. It is as tangible as grit between tongue and teeth.
I’m coming to get you.
Photo credit: hengki-koentjoro-masks