Delicious bums and How to get them.​

The bum is an easily loved, very easily looked after part of the body. If no one loves yours, it is because you don’t love it.  Follow these fun, silly, unnecessary ,not entirely useful steps to get the delicious bum you deserve. Because it’s winter, and why not. P.s, this advice is not just for the ladies. Guys take note:

Step 1.

Get off facebook and enjoy your body….. Well first read this, then get off facebook. Sitting all day is the worst way to look after your bum. As a woman with, what I have come to think, is quite a nice bum. I have begun to notice that I have to work harder now that I spend so much time sitting at my computer working.

Step2.

Get some good bum shaking music…… Beyonce is always a must but afrobeat and kwaito are my go-to bum beats. Some other fun sounds can be found in Nigerian pop music, or English ( British) Nigerian-style rappers and singers. Basically anything with a beat that you can bounce those cheeks to.

Step3.

Get a pair of heels….. I’m not about to tell a guy he can’t wear heels. Also, I’m not going to pretend I am the type of girl that can rock heels and not look like a newborn giraffe. I look horrid in heels that are too high. I sweat just from standing still. If you are a person like me who can not rock heels, put them on when no one is watching and do some house work. 15mins and you’ll be done with gym for the month. Jeeez. Heels are a killer.

Step4.

Squat all day, everyday…. I don’t mean take time out of your life to hit the gym and squat. Oh no, no, no, no. I squat to get my socks from my draw on the bottom shelf. I squat to pick up my whatever-it-is that is on the floor. Even when I go out and I have to wee over a wet seat, I count that sqaut too. Just do it. A delicious bum is on its way to you.

Step5.

Stand on tippy-toes and do heel raises…. I’m not encouraging you to embarrass yourself at random moments in the day. I’m encouraging you to do conscious free, fun exercise. When you have to reach for the tea cup on the top shelf, tippy-toe that shit. When you brush your teeth, heel raise and lower. Watch your calves develop and yout bum begin to shine and glow with happiness.

Step6.

Stride, don’t walk….. When you have to move around, do it with purpose. Walking does so many weird and wonderful things to the body. Being conscious of your toes, ankles, calves, thighs, bum,tummy, chest, neck, arms and head can completely transform you everyday lazy shuffle into a swan-like glide that demands attention. Every inch of you can gleam. Don’t shuffle, walk with purpose and you’ll feel tired by the end of a day of running errands. If you can do that with heels on, you’ll be winning ( me though, I’d just be dead!)

Step7.

Stop stressing about what you look like….. Stress releases a chemical in your body that tells your system that trauma is coming. This warning process results in the body holding onto anything and everything. Your curves and swerves and love humps are not going anywhere if you are stressed about them. It is as if your body knows and so begins to grown. Eat that cake and then turn up Taylor Swifts’s ‘Shake it off” loud, and shake it off.

Step8.

Buy or make, or borrow ( don’t steal) the kind of underwear that you like and that makes you feel good. Spend some time wearing it. Enjoy it, celebrate it. A happy bum is a happy person.

Step9.

Steps are really the best….. Stop taking the lift. Lifts freak me out. There is a crazy sense of a lack of gravity or an increase of gravity. I sometimes wonder if bums become more droopy when they spend time in lifts. I don’t know. Either way. Take the steps. I hate steps because everything burns, like a hot, steady, deep, hell-like burn. The type of burn that makes you want to sit down and cry. But even though it feels like it last forever, it really does not. Think of that warmth as soft, loving hands moulding your bum and thighs into deliciousness. Yes, this is what I tell myself.

Step10.

The last and final step. Love your bum. No one else needs to see it, no one else needs to love it. Yours is the most important love. Enjoy it, hold it, rub it. Let it know you care. Delicious bums are formed out of love.

 

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