I worked out last month that it has been 10 months since I stopped taking the contraceptive pill. It has been 10 months since I experienced mind-blowing intercourse. Condoms have quite literally blocked a layer of intimate interaction between my boyfriend and I. It has been a rocky road of exploring different types of loving, love-making and also just altogether eliminating sex.
Using condoms added a layer to our love that we did not deal with very well. I can not lie to you. It has been difficult and not always fun or enjoyable. An emotional rollercoaster of insecurity and disconnect is what condoms brought me.
I decided to stop taking the pill in order to learn about my body, learn about my cycle and what I felt at each different stage of the month. It has been an incredible 10 months of falling head over heels in love with my vagina and skin and cycle. My body speaks to me all year round. It tells me secrets and makes loud, unacceptable demands. Sometimes it will not take no for an answer. I have come to learn this language. It was here all along waiting to be listened to and responded to.
My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years now and I am so done with loving him sexually through some thin piece of plastic. I want to love him, naked and wet, with all of me on all of him. So I have decided to use the rhythm method.
I asked him to….. know me.
One day last week, I arrived home late from my evening study classes. I had a glass jar in my bag. I had had this jar with me all day, like a wedding ring case heavy and protruding even in its most comfortable hidden place. In the jar was a piece of gold card, on the one side of the card was a name, his name, on the other side of the card was a note.
The note read something along the lines of, ” Dear lover, will you do me the honour of charting my vaginal discharge while I chart my temperature so that we can have healthy, happy, naked, free, baby-less sex? ” In real life it was way more ‘cool’, but I have to keep somethings to myself…..
I arrived home, he was on our one and only couch, sitting waiting for me, a little tired, warm and ready for love. I gave him his gift and watched his face mold from confusion to more confusion and then to delight and extreme excitement. It was a beautiful quiet moment filled with loud but silent emotions and two strong heartbeats. He didn’t say a word. He just looked into my face and smiled a quiet smile while his eyes burned.
I was nervous, I thought that maybe he had not understood. A million things went through my head. I began trying to explain what charting was. His lips broke into a bigger smile and he told me that he knew exactly what I meant and that he was so looking forward to being a part of this shared responsibility and shared process of protection against having babies.
I am nervous, excited, happy, relieved and curious. I don’t want babies anytime soon but I also can no longer stand condoms. I wish that I had known from birth that my body, and more specifically, my vagina, had a language created only for me.
I wish that biology in school had taught me. I wish that popular movies had taught me. I wish that the government had supplied healthy structures that could have taught me. I wish that women around me had known. I wish that I had grown up like this, with precious knowledge. With a beautiful language secret. I wish.