The divide, it was created with violent purpose, the walls of the wound were sealed, each wall burnt to stop the bleeding.
Time passed and the burns became scars and scabs.
Recently, very recently, the scabs have been peeled off.
On both sides, the skin has been opened and the flesh has been pushed back together.
The flesh and blood is still the same, the skin is yet to touch.
The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I returned from my year of travels with a bigger, brighter, more fierce fire burning in my heart, behind my eyes, against my skin.
I should have told your right then.
That very first time that you looked at my face.
That very first moment we met eyes and I heard your question but didn’t answer.
You wanted to ask me what changed, but didn’t.
I wanted to tell you, but didn’t.
The truth. We are and have always been different.
The assumption was always that my white parents made me white, therefore similar, more easy to understand.
White is a pigment, it cannot change your personality.
I have been waiting to say this to you, waiting to say it to me. Waiting to know it to be true.
My whiteness does not exist, neither does my blackness, no more than the fact that my skin is black.
The truth. We didn’t talk about the space between us because the space was created by me. I did not know it then, but have learnt it now. I changed. The world forced me to.
It forced me out of my comfortable resting place.
It squeezed me out painfully.
The the contractions were violent and without rest.
I fell out naked and fully grown.
Suddenly I was black. Suddenly I was female.
Suddenly I was the worlds’ worst enemy.
The truth. I didn’t believe what was happening to me and so had no words to share it. I floated as an island, on this solid, soil sea. 2013/14 were lonely for me.
How do you share a loneliness you can not recognise or name?
I grew scales and fangs, I grew claws and locked away my softness. I hid my shine and turned my eyes to stone.
The divide was burnt closed, no longer bleeding. Our friendly meetings and wine filled evenings were empty to me, silly giggles and superficial conversations were painful and exhausting . I needed to scream.
The truth. Our eyes, views, hands, skin no longer met. We made plans less and less. We grew scabs and scars. Then the day came where I breathed fired. I said all the things that I thought I had wanted to say, but in my fear and anger I played the blame game.
For the past month we have not spoken. We have not shared a laugh or a smile. We have not told stories or shared life. We have been living on either side of the colour divide. Supported by the world we are now separated, angry, Colour-stuck and hating. Supported by the world, we are too proud to acknowledge our mistakes. Supported by the world we are slowly breaking. Supported by the world, nothing is the same.
The truth. Being the one who changed, being the one who in anger, frustration and loneliness, blamed. I took the responsibility to try and reconcile. I took the opportunity to try and stop society from allowing me to loose my humanity.
Today’s world is online, android, connect, disconnect, no face to face reality, no responsibility. No fear and anger spoken directly. Today’s world is, unlike, unfriend, pretend. The way we speak to each other in texts or via facebook is horrific. People have become heartless.
I understand the exhaustion, I understand the heap of other peoples shit that so many of us have to carry, I am carrying my bag still, but I do not understand the lack of care people have when it comes to speaking about it.
Not like this. I am not speaking to you now, you are reading my thoughts. This is not a conversation.
Are you having conversations with the people who are unknowingly hurting you, unknowingly stepping on your wings? Are you speaking to the people who classify you in ways that are harmful or hurtful? Are you speaking away the divide?
What is your truth?
Don’t use your anger to hide.