Let me begin by explaining the above image to you. That sculpture is in London. I don’t know what it is but it belongs to the Queen ( as do most things in England). I think that it looks like a bean. I am proud to say that I hold the title of Queen bean flicker, as you can see. Let me also say that bean flicking is a euphemism for masterbating. Clitorus = bean, flicking =fingering. Educational and fun as promised.
I have slowly grown into the type of woman who likes to feel good and takes great pride in knowing that I can do this on my own, anywhere,any time, all the time. It took me a long time to be able to admit this to people. I was the only girl in a class full of pubescent 12/13-year old boys in my last year of primary school. I was the only black girl in a group of girlfriends in high school. And I was the girl to be described as the ‘wild and crazy’ one alongside my mixed-race best friend. Being the ‘wild and crazy’ one got boring after about 5 minutes, I hated it. As a result, I never felt confident enough to speak out about the things that made me feel like a woman. I felt that maybe I was too different, too wild, too crazy, too strange, too black maybe. I didn’t know what any of these adjectives really meant but I acknowledge the fact that they made me stand out when all I wanted was to fit in and be like the ‘normal’ girls. For a while I ignored wild and crazy tendencies. I ignored my fingers and their late night wonderings to my meeting place. I decided that I should find myself a penis, like a ‘normal’ woman. The first penis that I came into contact with was thin, long and had no idea what to do in my meeting place. The fingers were even worse. I was horrified. The next penis was boring even though it swirled and whirled and demanded that I be an acrobat. The penis after that was, eish, not even note worthy. So I gave up and spent some time with women. Sadly I was never quite brave enough to try vagina. I wanted to but didn’t quite know how to get there. In my experience with women, I found that knowing your body allows you to understand a body like yours. Soon I realised that I was being ridiculous and absolutely selfish. I had no intention of becoming a girls girlfriend. ( I admit my cruelty. Do not try this unless you mean to make a woman feel wonderful for as long as you are with her).
My 2 best friends pooled their earnings together for my birthday one year and bought me my very first sex toy. It was time to get to know me again. Time to play and touch and learn. I will be forever grateful to that big, luminescent pink, glittery, adjustable vibrate and pulse situation. My friends said that it was a joke but I showed it around and used it with absolute pride. For a year or 2 it was Me, My Hand and My Toy. I learned the ins and outs of my body. I learned to know when to do what, how to do what and what to do when. Eventually I gave up on the toy because I found a wonderful penis attached to an incredible man who was willing and extremely happy to learn about my vagina. My toy has been surgically cleaned and passed on to my little sister. Sadly I think that it is gathering dust somewhere under her bed. She, like many woman, thinks that her vagina is for a man only and feels that touching it is disgusting or unfeminine. There is a woman I know, who has been with her boyfriend for 7 years. She has never had an orgasm. She has never flicked her bean, she has never used a toy. Basically she knows nothing about what she likes and doesn’t like. For me, the mortal sin is that she never thought to talk about sex with her girlfriends. She is almost 30 years old and she has NEVER in her life had any kind of discussion about her vagina or her boyfriend’s penis. How?!
Sex education in schools is a joke. I learnt absolutely nothing about my clitorus or labia or soft, warm, sensitive vulva. Goodness and never ever did my Life Orientation teacher mention my G-spot or all the other spots that don’t get mentioned. Nope, I found them by myself and some of them my lover found. By talking and doing and playing I learned that there are so many different types of sex. The word sex is so one dimensional. Sex is so multifaceted, convoluted, complex. There should be a better word to describe the act. I learned that there are millions of layers to an orgasm, internal, external, vaginal, full body and more. The way that you feel can not be explained to you. Only you will know. Our female design is so wonderful and confusing that no one woman will know exactly what another feels during orgasm. Some of us may feel deep valcanoes erupting from the core of our existence, some of us may feel butterflies dancing wildly on the surface of every inch of our skin. The orgasm is yours and yours alone. You can not measure or quantify it, illustrate it or truly tell of its magic. All you can do is try it and know that you have had it. I learned by talking and doing and playing, with myself, by myself, with my lover, on my lover, next to my lover, against my lover. Play, talk, do, the only person that is loosing out is you if you don’t try.You don’t have to be taught anything, you don’t have to read anything. You don’t have to watch anything.
Just close your eyes and feel.
Flick your bean.