I recently joined the gym, Virgin Active to be precise. I work from home as a freelance theatre producer, drama teacher and solo performance artist. I spend most of my time with my face glued to my computer screen or reading and learning lines for productions. So I am on my bum all day unless I am in class teaching or in studio rehearsing. As an active, creative, sanguine personality sitting around kills me, but after having been at the gym now since the beginning of this year, I find that the gym kills me too.
I arrive at virgin active and everyone is super keen and super pumped, it is as if everyone has been given some kind of upper drug. I am terrified to meet eyes with the men because their eyes are hard and heavy, like their arms and legs and jawlines. And I try stay as far away from the women as possible because they all assume that I too want to talk about how much smaller my bum is now (Guuurl, have you seen my bum? She isn’t going anywhere! And I like it that way). The children all look like machines. I stretched next to a + – 13 year old girl the other day and watched her perfect muscles slide like slate as she pumped iron bigger than my head. What?!
I appreciate the fact that there are huge windows and outside the windows are mountains and sky and wind and birds and such. I also appreciate the fact that sweat is sexy and that being fit and healthy rather than big and strong is something that is advertised and pushed among the trainers. I am a discovery member and vitality member and so get money back when I shop at Pick n Pay and buy healthy foods. Virgin Active awards me for being healthy and fit. I get points for not drinking, I get points for not eating cake and buns and muffins. It’s awesome because I am gluten intolerant so I can’t eat any of that stuff anyways. I don’t drink fizzy drinks, only drink alcohol without added sugar, don’t drink fruit juice, don’t eat sweets. Virgin active gives me points for being me. It’s the absolute best.
I see now that Virgin is starting to move towards outside exercising. They are putting up more outside gym areas at their gyms. They are encouraging people to be in the sun and wind and fresh air outside their big windows. So now, dear Virgin Active, can I please get points for having sex? It’s exhausting and fun and healthy and I absolutely love it. God knows it’s the only way that I actually keep fit. Goodness, I abhor conscious exercise. I can dance forever, in ‘da club’ or in Groove class but put me on a spin bike or tread mill and I’ll cry or bite your head off within the first 2 mins. Sex, mmmmm, I could have sex all day. Please give me points. I’m sure there is already a heart monitor watch or chest strap or something along those lines? I’ll wear it so that you can see that I’m not lying.
How cool would that be?
Ag, if only.